My head is spinning with numbness.The need to write is almost involuntary, like breathing. I may not be good at it or contribute to any ones life with my words but they help me cope with my demons and this chaotic world which is my life. There is always some stressful event taking place now. For the most part it's just became a way of life for me now. I wake up (on the rare times I do sleep) to face who knows what each day. I'd say nothing surprises me any more but that's like saying "it can't get worse". I learned early on IT CAN GET WORSE, and usually does. I am not a pessimist, just a realist I guess. I think I have turned my feelings off. Things that used to touch me deeply hold nothing for me now. If I don't feel then I can't hurt. Goodness knows we've all hurt enough for ten lifetimes. But it's never ending. No one seems to do what they are supposed to in any of my worlds situations. You reach a point when you wonder whats it all for? Job truly was an incredible man. I do not denounce God,question His wisdom or the fact that He is in complete control of this blue orb we live on but He did make us free willed beings capable of making our on decisions and mistakes. That is what I question, those decisions made by free willed people in my life. Everything we do impacts every other thing we do. And every other person we encounter. I'll be the first one to admit I don't always think before I do. But lately I am left wondering if they EVER think before they do.
                      Current events have left me reeling. Dredged up long buried memories and emotions I didn't realize I still possessed or maybe possessed me would be a better way to phrase it. I lived through the past by the skin of my teeth and don't wish to rehash any of it now. But I do not have a choice in the matter. Events at hand must be dealt with and I am the one who must step up to the plate. It's ssssoooo funny, I was always the undependable one. It's just freaking hilarious that I am the dependable one now. Not a role I thought I'd ever play. Lil miss goodytwoshoes was always late,occasionally early but never on time. Usually just didn't show up at all so I wasn't counted on for anything. Which did not bother me because then I had less responsibility. Accountability was never my strong suit. Come to think of it I don't know what my strong suit was or is. The only thing I know for sure at the present moment is I am seriously screwed up. To the point of numbness. Steeling myself for the pain that's barreling down on me like a freight-train gone off the rails. I am not a strong person never have been but this is ....... I just want to disappear till its all over, I know I am very much in the wrong for feeling this way. I am aware I will be rock steady through it all, helping the others find their way out of the madness. My sanity has been in question for years so no fear of losing it now. The strength is not there. Only bleakness tainted with resentment which scares and astonishes me. My mind set has become so dark,so bitter. I can not wrap my brain around where these emotions sprang from. I was always taught to seek the hope in every situation but I have lost that ability. The light at the end of the tunnel is a train. It all just HURTS, my body, my mind and my soul.
                         Just thinking out loud for all the world to see...............