Never ending

                                      At my last writing, I told of our loss of a wonderful man. Well, 12 hours later and completely unexpected, we lost Pops other roommate, Mr. James Ingram. He was a sweet man. We were not fortunate enough to know him as his family did, but he was a treasure to us. Life was never dull here at the end of the hall. We only met his son, who is a fine man, he told us things about his dad. That gave us an incite into who Mr. James was. The staff here was blindsided by his loss. Our room become empty and lonely. Each family missed a small trinket when they packed the belongings, we have them together on the light, our small tribute to two great men. We will miss them more than mere words can say. They served this country proudly and with honor. Our hearts go out to the families in this time of grief. May their memories be a sturdy shield against deaths bitter hand.
                                      Just thinking out loud for all the world to see........

Sunday the 28th

                                Today we lost a wonderful man, Mr. O'Neal Freeman. Uncle Freeman was a great person. I loved him from the minute we came here. He took right to us and we took right to him. He became part of our family. We tried to look after him as well as we do Pop. Mrs. Grace works but her and the grandchildren came every Sunday afternoon to see him. He didn't talk a lot but had something to say when he did. Career Marine drill instructor, he was used to barking orders, so he was kinda gruff from time to time but he was always gruffully good to us. Orangecrush, crunchy cheetos, milkyways, and butterscotch candies. I will miss You so very very much Uncle Freeman. I loved you.
                                 Just thinking out loud for all the world to see..........

oops

                               Well, I made a royal mess of my schedule, par for the course for me. But I think I got it taken care of. Will make sure on Monday. My husband is convinced I won't be able to do school and keep up with my Popsitting, and if I handle that end," we are never gonna have time to go do anything together." Somedays!!!!!! but I am undeterred. I am going to do this if it kills me. Which math might! I can't explain any of this, I am not a goal oriented person, I am not an organized person, nor am I a planner but I see this as clearly as I see the grey sky outside right now. It feels like something worth fighting for, something to accomplice. For myself, not for my husband or my family, friends or loved ones, for myself. Just for me. I never do anything for me, never put myself first in any situation, but in this I am being very selfish. I was laughed at and asked why, " so you can sit on your porch and watch your husband mechanic?" That stung especially coming from someone who does not know me, but yet has the same opinion of me that the majority of people  I know do, that I am incapable of anything. He says he doesn't know me and yet he tells me what and how I feel about things. Kinda funny really. On some parts of me he was spot on, and so far of base on others I was stunned. My husband tells me I can do anything I put my mind to, and yet looks at like I have three heads when I share some of my ideas. Just keep most of them to myself, saves his sanity. If I do them and they work then I show him and he is like that was so cool, if they don't work, he's the first to say I told you it wouldn't work. Isn't that so sweet of him, after 15 years I'm used to most of his ways. Most days I don't think he knows me, I'm still a continual surprise for him everyday. But I make his life interesting.
                          Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.........

Friday the 26th

                                  Happy 1st Birthday to Princess Piper!!!!!! Hope she has a wonderful day and a great party tomorrow. And Happy Birthday to Mr. Ingram and Dean. Popular birth day.
                                  Been a long day. But now I'm a little closer to a personal goal. Had orientation and registration today. 8:30 till 3:00, but their computers crashed around 12ish, so some of us couldn't get our schedules, student  ID's or parking permits. Made list and said they'd get back to us. Waiting on financial information, that will tell the tale for me, may have all been a big waste of time if I can't get at least some assistance. But it's all falling into place, mostly. Can't expect perfection only chaos, have plenty of that. But hey, chaotic consistency is normal for my life.
                                Did my best to work full class load around Popsitting. Mondays and Wednesdays will be full days, only 1 class on Tuesday and Thursday in the evening. I hope anyway. Such is the news for now.
                               Just thinking out loud for all the world to see...........
                                  

Thursday

                                      Why are goodbyes so hard? Especially to someone you don't even know? You aren't good for each other, you have lots in common and yet absolutely nothing in common. You just irritate each other, goodbye and good riddance should be easy, but something keeps saying don't let this person leave your life, don't lose their presence. It physically hurts to think of them not being somewhere in your life. Emotionally it is devastating. Complete and utter nothingness. A dull emptiness. But it is the only choice left to you, say goodbye and move forward, ever forward. Don't look back, never doubt, no regrets. Take what few memories there are. Take what little you learned.  Move forward. They will not miss you in their life, you weren't really a part of it anyway, more of an annoyance than a presence. Like that pesky itch you just can't quite reach, you notice it while it itches but once its gone you don't miss it or remember it. But such is life. And every moment is apart of living. Live learn die forget it all.
                                     Just thinking out loud for all the world to see..........               

July the 24th

                               Will be glad to see the backside of this month fading into the distance! Only good thing about its been birthdays. There have been deaths, anniversaries of deaths, arguments with friends, surgeries, sprained ankles, arguments with family, miscommunications, misunderstandings, general misery, and now everyone should be happy, the sun is shining and the heat has arrived! yea. I preferred the rain, but the people with flooded homes don't. Sorry for their destroyed possessions, but I was quite happy with the grey days. But its gone now.
                              I took the test for technical school, passed three of the four parts. Have to take algebra. Knew I would but I don't mind at least I'm moving down the road I chose. Terrified and incredible calm at the same time. I know that makes no sense but that's how I feel. You know how every now and then you absolutely know your doing something right? This would be one of those times. Amidst all this chaos, I have found my steady. Ever since I was diagnosed, I have looked at all aspects of life differently. I guess everyone questions why am I here, What is my purpose? This feels like mine. It seems like a way I can give back. A way I can help others. I don't mind how hard it will be( it's going to kick my butt!!!!!!), I feel like I will handle it. Should have done it 20 years ago but I wasn't the same person then and would not have done as well then as now.
                                 Just thinking out  for all the world to see...............    

Friday the 19th

                            Time moves us gingerly along even if we'd rather sit still. We can't. It refuses to just pass us by, oh no, it must pull us along( kicking and screaming sometimes) with it.  Even if it is the same routine daily, it moves us. But usually it has bumps and snags in everyday. Have to make life interesting. Take my bum ankle for example, Teresa and I had just gotten into a nice weekly gym routine, not now, not for at least 4more weeks. By then I will have gained back what little weight I have lost. Staying home by myself is bad for me right now. Monday I was home alone ALL DAY, I ate constantly and looked for my dog all day too. The house was so very lonely. I brought the kittens in for company but it just wasn't the same. I miss my Daizy. I still get up and look for her every morning. I would rather be somewhere else, anywhere else than home right now. Its not to bad when we are all home but when I am by myself, I kinda lose it. I know she was just a dog, but ..... compared to the rest of the losses we have suffered she is insignificant but she wasn't to me and I miss her terrible.  Yes life moves us right along down its bumpy road.
                       Just thinking out loud for all the world to see..........

Friday the 12th

                             It has been an incredibly lllooonnnggg week. On Saturday, I sprained my ankle(yea me) at my husbands best friends barbeque, kinda put a damper on our festivities. And put me out of commission completely for the next 48 hours, parked on the couch with ankle elevated alternating between ice and compression. Getting around on crutches, what little getting around I did, which left bruises under both arm! I just can't win for losing. Hit the ground limping on Tuesday because my husband was about to faint and fall in it, took Pop to OT and our Rachel to her class. But let me back up, Sunday I got a call letting me know that my childhood pastor had past away on Saturday( it was a really bad day for everyone).He and his wife were like grandparents to all us kids back then. They played parts in shaping us into who we are now. Then on Monday, I watched my dog of 15 years die at my side. She had been feeling poorly all day, she wanted to go out so we hobble outside together and then back in again, when she got to her blanket, she lay down and never got back up. I sat in the floor with her, petting her as she drew her final breathes. She was like one of our kids, only without the backtalk. She came into my new life as a wife and stepmother the first summer of my marriage. I have never been without her, the house is lonely now but I do not want another animal of any kind, EVER again. That is not just my grief talking, the past several years have brought so much hurt and loss, that I would rather be empty than open up to more painful loss. A husband, two mothers, one father, and a dear aunt have passed from our lives. Yes, death is a part of life but you never get used to it and you are NEVER ready to say goodbye. And the losing is not over, we are watching a wonderful friend loss his life to cancer, a lil bit everyday. Some things, like a wedding should bring joy but when you know its going to end in tragedy, it only brings sorrow. That is our daughter, watching her live her life is nerve racking, everyone can see it but her, or else she just doesn't care. Our son will be getting married soon and a father within the following month, at least we all like his choice. She's beautiful, bright, funny and she loves my son, she'd like to strangle him from time to time but we all would. She is becoming a very good mother. There has been the living loss of  friends too. Here where Pop is they have programs to help guys get back on their feet. Great programs. That have pretty good results, if the fellas choose to take advantage of what is offered them. Most do, a few don't. But they leave, which is one of the goals and a good thing, but they are gone and usually there is no keeping in touch. I don't talk to very many of them anymore, I park at the back entrance and mostly stay in the room, that way I don't have to interact with any one other than the people who take care of Pop. A couple in particular were very hard to let go of, one because he was a dofuss and learned nothing while he was here, I think he's worse off than when he got here, not because of the program but because of himself. The other took full advantage of every thing they offered him, turned his life around and is doing incredible! He is an amazing guy. But we could make  no room in either of our lives for each other. So as close as we became, it hurt immensely to say goodbye. I am tired of hurting, I know a certain amount of hurt is part of every day life but enough is enough. If I don't let anyone or anything else in, then there are no new openings for hurt to come. Only the hurt to come from what is already present in my life.
                                           Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.............

Friday the 5th

                   Some days we should just stay in bed! Gee, I know a couple of people who would turn that into a naughty comment, but it was meant in the context of if we never got up we'd never have been exposed to the crap the day brought! Some days are, well there aren't really nice words to describe some days. They suck! And they usually feel like they are 72 hours long, they just drag on and on. All we want to do is make it through in one piece, well one is preferred but as few as possible is accepted. Just when you think you have a problem solved it turns into 10. When you think you have finally come to an understanding with an individual, guess what, they still don't get it. It doesn't matter how many times you explain things, if they chose not to hear you or accept what your saying then your right back to square one. Its like banging your head against a wall, repeatedly. The connection is definitely there, but the wants and needs are as far apart from one another as east is from west! Both have stated their positions plainly, and neither wants to give the other up but they can not agree on how to move forward. There is no acceptable common ground, and they will not budge on what they want from each other. So it would seem the only answer is to leave the situation at a stalemate and move forward without them in your life anymore. It is not pleasant nor is it what either of you want but it is what must be done, to save each others sanity. Love them enough to disappear from their lives, they will eventually forget you ever existed. And they will gain a foothold on sanity without you screwing with their soul. Wounds heal, scars remain as beautiful memories of  bitter pasts. It would be better to find common ground and keep their presence in your life but that isn't always possible, your very existence is why it isn't possible. They can not get past certain aspects of you, to be able to function normally around you. It is better to let go, lonely but better.
                                        Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.............        

July 4th

                        Happy 4th of July!!!!!! Hope everyone has a safe and fun holiday. Some of us will find it harder to celebrate than others, the tragic loss of such brave men has touched the country as a whole and a personal loss in my best friends family sorta puts a different damper on our own celebrations. I knew the month itself would be hard for her because we lost her mother this month a year ago and now to loose her mothers sister is, I can't find the words to describe the loss we all feel. These people are my family by choice, theirs and mine, we have all known each other most of our lives. Weddings, funerals, births, deaths, divorces, engagements, breakups, graduations, movings away, comings home, Christmas's, New Years, old years, first cars, wrecks, illnesses, teethings, potty trainings, first steps, last steps, cancers, fights, make-ups, all the wonders and joys that come from being a part of each others lives. Love and support that only we can give each other.
                                       Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.........

Home pictures

  

Just thought I'd post a few pictures of where I hide from life.

A few simple plants to distract my time.





A beautiful Daylily.

 

There is something therapeutic about playing in the dirt. I found that  even the worst days become better when I pull weeds or deadhead my zinnias. Sometimes just sitting on the edge of the bed brings quiet to my troubled mind. It is a small plot of dirt in which I play but it fills my heart with peace when the torrents of life refuse to subside. Salvas, marigolds, zinnias, peppers, beans, daylilies, okra, tomatoes ,squash, and quite a few more. Its not so much the harvest as it is the growth journey. It is something that I feel I don't screw up. Some many other areas of my life are often looked at and belittled but playing in the dirt is one area in which I feel complete confidence in myself. They may make their snide comments but they fall on deaf ears, just me, the dirt and a few plants, the rest of the world can take a flying leap! And take their belittlements with them!

                                      Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.......

 

the 1st

                               Every feel like you have been dooped? You know completely played for a fool. Sometimes when meeting new people we get fooled. Honesty is a frail thing, if they don't know you, you can put forth a persona that might not be you exactly. Or you can put forth your whole complete self, without hiding habits, flaws, or who you really are. But when you open yourself up, you take the chance of getting played or worse, hurt. When we put our feelings on the line, they are just that on the line, exposed, out there for everyone to see and mess with. When a person says they want complete honesty from you and that is what you give them, then they don't like the results. No one ever wants complete honesty, we just think we do. We want to be lied to, we want to be told what we want to hear. Sweet words of deception. Empty flattery. We want to feel that we are pleasing to these new people, because they are pleasing to us. You don't want reality to set in. You want the getting to know you stage to continue, the unknown, its what keeps us interested. Once the mystery is found out the fun is over. Because there is no real connection, nothing to build any kind of relationship on. Nothing to last because we were to honest or not honest enough from the get go. Hanging onto someone who wants nothing to do with you because you can not be what they want, is ,well, kinda stupid. But we have all done it. We just don't want to give up the idea of the person we had, even if the idea isn't who they turn out to be. Worse still is when we fool ourselves. The book and cover saying is true, but sometimes we know from the start how a person is and we are not wrong, but we chose to let ourselves be taken in, perhaps we might be wrong, lets take the time and chance to know this person. Oh, its such great fun. But it leads to dismal feelings, because we knew where it would go because we judged the book by its cover and we were not wrong. We all wear masks, we all deceive, we don't want people to really know  us.
                                  Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.......