It has been an incredibly lllooonnnggg week. On Saturday, I sprained my ankle(yea me) at my husbands best friends barbeque, kinda put a damper on our festivities. And put me out of commission completely for the next 48 hours, parked on the couch with ankle elevated alternating between ice and compression. Getting around on crutches, what little getting around I did, which left bruises under both arm! I just can't win for losing. Hit the ground limping on Tuesday because my husband was about to faint and fall in it, took Pop to OT and our Rachel to her class. But let me back up, Sunday I got a call letting me know that my childhood pastor had past away on Saturday( it was a really bad day for everyone).He and his wife were like grandparents to all us kids back then. They played parts in shaping us into who we are now. Then on Monday, I watched my dog of 15 years die at my side. She had been feeling poorly all day, she wanted to go out so we hobble outside together and then back in again, when she got to her blanket, she lay down and never got back up. I sat in the floor with her, petting her as she drew her final breathes. She was like one of our kids, only without the backtalk. She came into my new life as a wife and stepmother the first summer of my marriage. I have never been without her, the house is lonely now but I do not want another animal of any kind, EVER again. That is not just my grief talking, the past several years have brought so much hurt and loss, that I would rather be empty than open up to more painful loss. A husband, two mothers, one father, and a dear aunt have passed from our lives. Yes, death is a part of life but you never get used to it and you are NEVER ready to say goodbye. And the losing is not over, we are watching a wonderful friend loss his life to cancer, a lil bit everyday. Some things, like a wedding should bring joy but when you know its going to end in tragedy, it only brings sorrow. That is our daughter, watching her live her life is nerve racking, everyone can see it but her, or else she just doesn't care. Our son will be getting married soon and a father within the following month, at least we all like his choice. She's beautiful, bright, funny and she loves my son, she'd like to strangle him from time to time but we all would. She is becoming a very good mother. There has been the living loss of friends too. Here where Pop is they have programs to help guys get back on their feet. Great programs. That have pretty good results, if the fellas choose to take advantage of what is offered them. Most do, a few don't. But they leave, which is one of the goals and a good thing, but they are gone and usually there is no keeping in touch. I don't talk to very many of them anymore, I park at the back entrance and mostly stay in the room, that way I don't have to interact with any one other than the people who take care of Pop. A couple in particular were very hard to let go of, one because he was a dofuss and learned nothing while he was here, I think he's worse off than when he got here, not because of the program but because of himself. The other took full advantage of every thing they offered him, turned his life around and is doing incredible! He is an amazing guy. But we could make no room in either of our lives for each other. So as close as we became, it hurt immensely to say goodbye. I am tired of hurting, I know a certain amount of hurt is part of every day life but enough is enough. If I don't let anyone or anything else in, then there are no new openings for hurt to come. Only the hurt to come from what is already present in my life.
Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.............
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