June the 27th

                           Well, tomorrow my stepdaughter is getting married. We are not very happy that this is occurring but it is her life and she is living it the way she likes, so as long as she's happy, I will be happy for her. We can not figure out the reason she is staying with this boy. I say boy because when he is fifty he will still be a child. He treats her badly, cheated on her twice that we know of and ain't even cute. She is a beautiful women. She has the potential to be intelligent if she'd let herself. Its funny growing up, I never realized how insecure she is. She has no self confidence. At least looking at her now, it  seems that way. He has gotten her into criminal trouble, he has tore up every vehicle she has owned since she meet him, they live with his parents and currently don't have transportation. She is working. He just started a new job 2 weeks ago. She has had 4 jobs since she meet him. He has been through over a dozen jobs in the two years they've been together. We are all looking at this situation and cringing. But it is her life and no matter what we think of it, she has the right to live it the way she wishes. Who am I to say if they really love each other or not, who am I to say they will not make it, who am I to wish ill will on them, I am no one. As hard as it is, I do wish them all the best life has to offer. My hope for them is to live well and be happy.
                         Just thinking out loud for all the world to see...........

                Sometimes people love you unconditionally ,sometimes they have strings but ever once in a very long while someone will love you genuinely. Love you because you capture a place in their heart.. Love you even if you don't realize you love them ... Love you because they want to... Love you simple because they can.  Love you enough to do right by you even if  it means exiting your life... Love you more than you love yourself... Love you enough to tell you goodbye... Love you enough to put you above their own desires... Love you enough to make you go... Love you enough to leave you be... Love you enough to stop the ride before the car crashes... They love you enough to simply walk out of your life to save you from yourself... Yes they genuinely Love You. The hardest kind of Love, the take your memory and hide in the heart shaped box in my mind kind of Love.
               Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.......

                                  Have you ever notice how easy the words I Love You can roll off the tongue, you hear it everyday. But does it really have a meaning or has it become a simple way to close a conversation or say goodbye when you leave someone for that particular moment, as your getting off the phone, do you always say love you bye? It is common and everyday, till it rolls off the tongue of someone who has never said to you before. Then you stammer and stutter,  because those words had a meaning, but just what exactly? Do you say it back, your mind goes blank and then races because you are trying to process what just took place. Then you begin to analyze. Do you love this person too? Did this person really understand what they just said to you, and just how do they love you? in the casual everyday love ya bye as your getting off the phone way or was it a you have changed the way I look at life and it will never be the same because I realize that I love you. Or is it just a line to take you in? Do they really Love you or just an idea that they think is you? Love is a many splendored dagger that cuts to the tender places of the soul. When it's young and true it's intoxicating.
It consumes your very being, but if it doesn't grow it was never love. Loving someone means loving everything about them, even the things you don't like that make them who they are. In turn, they must love all of you, even the bad parts. The idea of a person doesn't have the bad side, only the things that attract. If you love the parts that revolt too, then you may be in love with that person. Only our hearts and souls know whom we really love, usually even when we don't know ourselves.
                           Just thinking out loud for all the world to see...........

                     Isn't it funny how you can run the whole gambit of emotions in a single day. Happy to sad in less than 10 seconds flat. Great joy to incredible bitterness at the flip of a switch. How can I be this unstable and still function? How can the people around me not see my issues? I realize they are wrapped up in their own problems but  geez people open your eyes and look past your own nose. We are all in this together, how about less complaining and more genuine  cooperation. We can only survive this if we support each other and are their to help each other, without shouting and screaming.
Without little jabs about being the only one who does anything, You are not carrying this burden alone, we are carrying it with you. Without griping about everyone else involved in this situation, and what they should be doing or not doing.
                   The slightest distraction is completely intoxicating. Just to be able to think about something else other than this life I am living, and I lose myself. Gladly completely without reservation. With no particular wish to return. I loved my life, it was simple and quite, and I liked living it .It was mine. It is gone, with no return insight. How do I conform to this place? How do I survive? We are barely keeping our heads above water and it is only going to get worse. We are going to lose ourselves and each other.  It is saddening. It is a bitterness that devours. It is blackness with no light.
                    Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.......

                        Amazing how doing the smallest ,simplest thing for yourself can make a world of difference in your outlook on yourself and the world at large. Once you shut yourself off from the world and begin to believe when others tell you your unable to function normally, you start living accordingly. You are always down on yourself, and the world is a bleak place. No matter the circumstances you are in, you can control the out look you have on your life. Some days are just bad and there's no way around it. But you can tackle the bad days with a light heart, it helps you and those around you get through the hard times. Someone who is constantly gloomanddoom infects all that is around them. They bad mouth everyone and everything. Life is hard, finding your joys in the mire, is harder still but you will lift not only yourself but those around you when you dig deep and find the simplest joys. This is hard, it is much easier to join in the pity party the world thrives on. Be the faintest glimmer of light, sometimes that is all someone needs to find their way out of the darkness. Look for that faint glimmer of light, they need you, you need them, between the two of you the light will burn brighter. Hope is only a glimmer, but it can start an inferno that can consume completely. Be consumed!
                           Just thinking out loud for the world to see...... 

               Funny how people aren't what you think they are no matter how well you think you know them. It is bad to sum  a person up that you don't know, your assumption are always wrong and usually lead to the ending of a friendship before it can actually get started. Just let thinks occur at their on pace. It will blossom or fail in its own time. Sometimes  it blossoms then fails anyway, lots in common then boredom, and then nothing. My best friend(Teresa) and I have known each other since we were 15 and 17. We lost touch for a few years after high school, then ended up working together and have been together ever since. Our friendship has ebbed and flowed but we are always there for each other. No opinions no judgments no complaining just ears when we need them and a mouth when we need them. We have had our share of ups and downs but we just stay connected. We give each other the space to be ourselves and yet are ok being attached at the hip. We can share empty silence and be content, we can giggle and carry on like school girls. Gee, husbands should be as understanding, marriages would last longer. We love each other unconditionally, flaws and all.
               Just thinking out loud for the world to see.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY! I didn't get to see my daddy today. Such is my life, but spent the whole weekend with my father-in-law. Oh well, the boys enjoyed there dad being home.  And  if I had been bitchy , I would have gotten to see my own father, some things should just be, they should not have to be demanded.
       Just thinking out loud for the world to see.

                         Making new friends is great fun. You haven't heard all their stories. In turn they haven't heard yours. Lots of interesting things to learn about each other, likes and dislikes, favorites, things in common, things NOT in common, habits, good&bad, skills, histories, firsts, dreams, hopes, tragedies, losses, passions, hatreds, giggles, tears. Before you know it their not new anymore, they are just your friend. You may find they are not a good friend. You may find they are your closet companion. You may find they are actually someone you do not like. You may even find that you have found an enemy. But its the finding out that is so very much fun, even when it leads to disappointment, at least you took the time to know them.
                 Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.......

Friday the 14th

                                      Life is a continual surprise. The minute you think you got things figured out, BAM!, it slaps you in the face with a dozy! Someone gets sick. Someone dies. Someone leaves. Someone new pops up. Someone old pops up. Your spouse decides to let pod people take them over. Or worse your parents start acting different, or they revert to old  ways. I didn't say it was good or bad, just surprise. But we all get bored with the same ole same ole, so I guess its good to be surprised. I don't mind boring days, would prefer them really. Had enough busy to last a life time, but as someone I know so smartly pointed out to me one day, " Mandy your not dead yet." Some days it feels as if I am. No surprises, I can look at the life I am leading and  know, it's going no where, it will be the same day in and day out, because it's not my life . Oh yes I chose it, but I don't decide what goes on in it. On those rare occasions that I do make a decision, it's repeatedly pointed out to me that my decisions are wrong or stupid or both. Its fun being me. I never know when I've done something right or wrong till I get my head bit off. Things you'd think would be alright never are and things you probly  should get grief  about you never do. Then there are days when you only breath and that's enough to be irritating. Yeah life is never dull. Guess its time I made some different choices.
                               Just thinking out loud for the world to see..........