six foot from the edge

        Ok so I have been absent for a nice long time and well the world in general has went off the deep end, the entire world is in the depths of a pandemic. Life as we knew it will never return, never. Face masks and six foot distance. My world truly sucks but it can always get worse. We lost my father in law in July(i think, it's kinda a blur) my mom in August. My oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time in Oct and she doesn't carry the brac1 gene mutation, my middle sister is still battling ovarian cancer, she is on the last possible treatment for her disease. My best friend was diagnosed with endometrial cancer in Nov, she has had her surgery and her prognosis is good, we are thankful. And then there's me..... I was diagnosed in Dec with breast cancer again myself. Scheduled to have double mastectomy surgery at the end of Feb. No radiation this time but not sure about chemo, that will be decided after my surgery. My psoriatic arthritis is out of control, was in check til around November then all of the sudden I had a massive flare inside and out. It's gigantically overwhelming, publicly and personally. 

                      .....just thinking out loud for all the world to see.....      

Worse

    As bad as last year was, um this year so far has been worse.In March Mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer,there is no cure.She is allergic to Taxol and it preventives so her treatments have been limited.My sister is still fighting ovarian cancer, one of the research drugs made her a diabetic and the chemo weakened her heart to the point that they had to stop treatment. They are both still under going what treatments that they can tolerate. Our daughter is pregnant, a lil boy this time. We are all holding our breathe. We lost our granddaughter just three days before she was due,negligence. We all miss her everyday. And me well I am still just a big screwup. The words i speak, the actions i take , the decisions i make......all wrong. And ALWAYS pointed out to me crudely rudely and speedily. i am beginning to falter under the weight of all my ineptness. To just disappear oh that would solve it all. My health is really suffering, my mentalness is beginning to manifest itself in physical forms now. But i am still here so that counts for something.


                                      ...... just thinking out loud for all the world to see....... 

pity party

 it's been a bad year. lost my father and my grand-daughter,so thankful we didn't lose our daughter too. finally got a diagnose of whats wrong with me, partially anyway, i have psoriatic arthritis. no cure just management for the rest of my life but at least i know whats wrong. think its effecting my mentalness. my head has been really really bad lately, hostile and weepy. no reason just random fits of crying. couldn't get my coffee yesterday machine was down, um i see coffee and smell coffee. it was like a personal affront, i got sssooo angry then burst into tears. couldn't sleep last night kept walking around the house weeping, for no reason. mentalness and oh so woe is me,felling so belittled and betrayed. i guess overlooked would be a better description. instantly mentally questioning the motives behind other peoples action. why are they doing these things? who are they doing them for because it certainly ain't for me. constantly waiting on the other shoe to drop. constantly walking on eggshells wondering what i am going to do next to piss someone off. seems breathing is enough most of the time. most days i wish the world would just stop. thats bad i know. i don't want to hurt myself or anyone else. but life is so screwed up, not just mine the whole worlds the same way.
........just thinking out loud for all the world to see........

    We got a new project, more of one than what we bargained for, lmbo. We have joined the ranks of the pop up re-modelers. Out of necessity, knew it needed work when we got it but we weren't complaining. We got it from family at bargain price, they just wanted it gone. Roof leaked so its moldy. Fix roof give extreme clean go camping. hahahahaha Pulley system broke, so thats first order of business, then fix roof, um ok we are completely rebuilding roof. Center support was the richest black dirt you've every seen. But my 90's curtains and cushion covers are cleaning up nicely, we like them so this remodel is functional not a make-over. I have dubbed our lil Jayco Maggie May, Rod Stewart started playing in my head while working on her the other day,"maggie i wished i'd never seen your face and you stole my heart i couldn't leave ya if i tried." Such is the workings of my brain. She is proving to be a challenge but we've already got one floor patch in for pulley system, slow and steady goes the work. Will post pictures soon and keep up-dated on progress.

         Just thinking out loud for all the world to see........ 

      just want to cease. tired of competing for what should just be given.tired of being tired of.a little simple simplicity. a little compassion.a little courtesy. a lot of common sense. just need everyone to act like they give a crap about the other people around them. you know kinda like they might actually love others. its bad. theres nothing but nothing, but the noisy kind of nothing that likes to be loud and tragic all the time. not the nothing were it all just stops. just blissful silent oblivion.
       just thinking out loud for all the world to see........... 

we could skip this season of halothanksmas, fast forward to the middle of january.it would suit me just fine.this is no joyuos season for me,it sucks.everyone one is a curmugdein!"its just money thats all they are after."so much for the meaning of Christmas.lets raise our kids up on lies and then wonder why they turn out the way they do, i mean people they trust , their parents fill there heads with lies about a lil elf that watches them all year and sneaks into every house on the planet in one night to deliver presents out of a sleigh moved by flying reindeer.how stupid is that.then when they realize its all lies, they question all the other things these parents have been lying about.then to add insult to injure your not supposed to expect presents when you grow up!they do the same thing with birthdays,shower kids with presents and then one day "oh its just your birthday,so what?!" but that is another rant. santa is a wonderful fairytale but thats all it is a fairytale just like cinderella or peter pan.santa is loosely base on the actual man saint Nicklaus,look him up.he was known to give gifts in secret thru out his life.not the whole world in one night accompanied by tiny reindeer. they need to rename the celebration because it is no longer the celebration of the greatest gift ever given,Christ.just call it halothanksmas,all the seasons are in the store at the same time anyway theres no season separation. they are just blurred together.santa has become a center in "christain" homes too. the babe in the manger takes a backseat to the jolly ole elf. oh well these are just the rants of a lunatic fringer who used to look forward to and enjoy this time of year immensely. i celebrated all three holidays separately and completely, Halloween was wild scary fun,Thanksgiving was reflections and family and Christmas was gift-giving remembrance of Gods love for us by His Gift to us.Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!may it be blessed and joyful in every way possible.
             
...........just thinking loud for all the world to see..............

       such a simple little task,which not so very long ago instructions would have been haughtily relayed to get to contraption up and going again.but opinions are truly of the mind set that these hands and brain are incapable of performing even the most menial of tasks. and so with dimwitted realization it dawns clearly how utterly  uselessly stupid i have become.
 

   .......just thinking out loud for all the world to see..........