Jan. 21st

                     Words can't express the depth of grief that is felt. The feelings are mixed with numbness. It all seems so surreal. Waking up from this dismal nightmare would offer a margin of relief, but then realization that sleep was never present gives way to the fact that this IS all real and actually happening. This sadness is void of tears. It is filled with bitterness of a road already traveled. It is slowly consuming but it is ever present like an elephant in the room. This immense weight is devastating. We are all carrying a part of it and yet we are all stumbling under its load. How to move forward without offending others involved? How to move forward while leaving part of us behind? Faith is faltering, not in God, in flesh. Resentment bubbling just below the surface. Anger, incredible raging anger. Anger that has no outlet. Anger that threatens to destroy. But sadness makes its presence felt deeper than any other emotion. Blackness beckons. The necessities of life distract temporary but then remembrance. Hollow emptiness. Emptiness of loss. Loss of presence.
                     " Blessed,blessed are the thieves who stole my masks......... And I have found freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood..." Kahlil Gibran
                                           Just thinking out loud for all the world to see...............   

Really??????????

                             The world can be a heart wrenching place. Just when you think things are sorta calm, the bottom falls out and there's nothing you can do but free-fall till you crash! We all deal with grief in our own ways, some find solace in a bottle,others shut down, still others pretend everything is rosy. Having been blindsided by the latest turn of events in my little world, I am still free-falling. Hope the crash is cushioned but that is doubtful. More likely a gigantic thud! accompanied by the sounds of breaking bones, maybe I'll land on my head and finally get some sense knocked into me. Morbid, I know but I have to find my humor where I can. I am no tower of strength. I am the one most consider undependable, funny the different ways people see us and how we see ourselves. I feel I have no self-confidence, I have been told by more than one person that I come across as extremely self-assured and very confident. A long time ago,I picked up the habit of  "owning it", stand up straight,chin up, chest out and walk with purpose, you know like you own the room. Guess I've gotten pretty good at it. It helps you blend in with whatever crowd your in at that moment too.The right clothes help one pull this off too. Doesn't have to be designer threads, well not ones you paid full price for anyway.(I love the thrift stores, name brands at cheap prices! and unique selections too.)But things that even a self-conscious person know is flattering to them. Doesn't have to be the latest fashion or even trendy. But there is great truth in the looking good and feeling good. If its ten years old and well out of fashion but you look like a million bucks in it, your presence is gonna show it, most of the time. Our skin is a different story. Feeling comfortable in one's own skin. That sometimes can take alot of practice or more often than not a GREAT acting job. People who don't know you are clueless as to what makes you, You. Always remember, behind the smiling happy faces you see everyday, are lives that you know nothing about. Most of us keep our sadness well vested around casual acquaintances and even around people we know on a more personal basis, only those closet to our hearts see our real-selves and even they do not know us completely. Always pray for the people you see in passing as well as the ones you talk to everyday, prayer gives strength , even if we are unaware we are being prayed for.
                              Just thinking ou loud for all the world to see...........

Monday The 13th

                           Never forget your place. Never! But don't worry if by chance you should forget or worse yet venture from your allotted place, I am quite sure there will be a multitude of on lookers to remind you of where said place is and how to return from winch you came. After all where would we all be if we didn't know our places. Places keep order in our little worlds. Places let the everyone know where we belong. Its not where your from or going to, its where you exist.. Where you are supposed to be. Places give security. Places give purpose. Places give defined expectations.
                          Just thinking out loud for all the world to see..................