God tells us to put our faith in Him not in man. Man is fallible. Not so much on purpose but because we are flesh and blood. We are lying deceitful vengeful skin and bone. But that being said we are HUMAN. We get sick. We die. We move away. We leave. We are only dependable to a point. Most of us would never deliberately hurt each other but life makes us undependable. Death has a way of pushing faith to its breaking point. We begin to question. We begin to hate. We become embittered.  We withdraw from our lives. We shut out loved ones. We become careless. We stop caring. We stop loving. We stop enjoying the life God has allowed us to lead.
                I myself have shut myself away from anything or anyone new. And I catch myself distancing myself from everyone and everything that is already present in my life. I try not to do so but its happening so subtle that I am not noticing as I should. Numbness crept in and will not release its hold. Things that should bring joy barely merit a faint smile. There is a coldness prevelent where warmth of personality used to be. My sickness left me scared and yearning to live life to the fullest. Everyone elses sickness has taking my zeal and left cold bitter emptiness.
                   Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.........

                 Some days I wonder why I do what I do, it only comes to naught. Trying to do the best by the people around me but it's pointless. It's like running in place, I never get any where. It's never enough. Someone is always griping about what isn't done or worse griping about was IS done, because it wasn't done how they would have done it. And yet they make no effort to do any of it themselves. It freaking hilarious. Most days I am a walking screw-up. Everything I touch turns to a dung-heap. I know I sound ohwoeisme, I am not looking for sympathy. Writing gets it out of my head and sometimes helps me work through the sorrow. There isn't any happy anymore it's all bitterness. One day rolls into the next with sickness, pain and constant drudgery. The few moments of delight are swiftly met with cruelty, and the brief relief it provide is quickly stomped out. We are all suffering physically, our bodies health have went drastically down hill.  Mentally ........ mentally we are all nuckingfuts!!!!!!  But this is how my life is now. I have stopped looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, it has caved in from both ends. There is only bleakness. There is no wonder in the sunsets. No joy in the rain. There is the nuisance of eating, nightly chasing sleep and our vain attempts to keep each other sane.
                Just thinking out loud for all the world to see....................

              Some words about Alice. I love Wonderland. Its a nice escape. :-)

A boat, beneath a sunny sky
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July-

Children three that nestle near,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Pleased a simple tale to hear-

Long has paled that sunny sky:
Echoes fade and memories die:
Autumn frosts have slain July.

Still she haunts me,phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.

Children yet, the tale to hear,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.

In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die:

Ever drifting down the stream-
Lingering in the golden gleam-
Life,what is it but a dream?
  Poem by Lewis Carroll




    Just thinking out loud for all the world to see........