misty watercolor memories.......

                   How did we get to be who we are? Have you ever thought about what and who has shaped you into the person you are today? Does it really matter? Is it things we would like to forget? Or people? Some we wish we could forget, some we wish were still present in your lives. A lot of the the events that shaped you, you actually don't remember, so many things happen on a daily basis that events get lost in the daily grind. Not that they weren't important but average things that just don't stand out. Sometimes its a really stupid or trivial event you remember with great clarity. I close my eyes and still see two smelly billy goats racing across the field to get cupcake papers. Its a funny memory to recall so vividly, I can even still faintly remember their smell,lol. If any of you know anything about goats then you know a full grown billy goat that's still intact is a smelly monster. From the age of about six to around the age of twelve the goats were two of my favorite playmates. Needless to say I was a smelly kid. I also had to help feed and water them, so they were also a responsibility,sorta. I really don't remember that part much, mostly playing with them more than anything else. But I remember raking! with great clarity and drudgery. To this day I hate raking! I remember one of my first pony rides, I was around twoish and all I really remember is holding the mane. It was blond. My sixth Christmas, I was spoilt rotten by every one,lots of stuffed animals, a coat and a dictionary, its funny I think I still have the dictionary, somewhere. Some memories are so simple, my oldest sister making brownies. Picking fresh herbs for homemade spaghetti while my other sister made yeast rolls from scratch. A skill I still haven't mastered. So many seemingly simple things that molded me into the person I am today. These are gentle treasures. As are all the people who have graced my life with their presence. I am thankful for the ones still present and all the beautiful memories of the ones that are not. I hope I left fond memories with them as well.
                      Just thinking out loud for all the world to see.......

               it is bitter this taste in my mouth,realizing........that you really do see me as selfish and a liar,the type of person who purposefully goes behind your back to do mean things just to hurt you,that i am worse than she ever was or is.the day you looked at her and said "how do you like your new livingroom?" it was good that i was sitting down away from everyone,i physically felt the blood drain to my feet and would have been on the floor but thought slip of the tongue and said nothing.she did not miss it and beamed from ear to ear, we both realized the same thing at that moment.somethings will always be and there is no changing what was there is only surrendering to the truth.the last thing i ever wanted to do was hurt you but that seems to be the only thing i do,repeatedly with my selfish attitudes and selfserving ways. saying i am sorry is not enough and you don't believe me anyway, you have heard it to many times before,only to be betrayed once again. i will say it again i am sorry i never meant to hurt you i apologize with no excuses.but know this i love you,yesterday today tomorrow.

 i am a lying stealing selfish conniving bitch. i do nothing that is not self serving. everything i do is self serving i do nothing out of the kindness of my heart because i do not have a heart let alone kindness. if i seem to be helping you be ware it will come back to bite you in the ass because i will demand payment. i lie if i say the sky is blue you better go check. i look at every situation from all angle to see how i will benefit. don't leave money lying around it will go in my pocket. keep valuable locked up because i will hock them to get money for my own self.  i am not to be trusted in any situation. it will turn out badly. if you see me coming go the other way i bring trouble with me. i complain about everything all the time and never do anything to better any ones lives. again i am a lying stealing selfcentered bitch

                                                Specters, haunts, wraiths.... whatever word you choose to use these visions flutter just out of clear vision. They  like to play in the peripheral corners. You know or think you know you saw something but did you really? A slight movement,turn and nothings there. A shadow where no ones been. Like the dancing specks you see when you close your eyes. If you try to focus on them they move out of clear vision. The definite knowledge that someone is close to you in the dark. Turn on the light and the room is empty. Warm breath on the back of your neck when you know no one is close to you. Some find these things creepy, some find comfort in these unknown presence. Some refuse to acknowledge anythings going on at all. If they don't admit to any of it then it isn't real. Maybe they are right.... maybe they are not. I am of the opinion that its both. Sometimes real .....sometimes our imaginations getting the better of us. 
                                               Just thinking out loud for all the world to see..........